


Fade

by eorumverba



Series: hanahaki [1]
Category: SHINee
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, im like tt theyre so good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:55:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9582371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eorumverba/pseuds/eorumverba
Summary: There are no pills to slow the growth of the flowers inside of him, but Kibum downs pill after pill in the hopes that maybe - just fucking maybe - but it won’t. So Kibum forces a smile to stay on his lips and keeps laughter locked tight, ready to bubble up (laughter, not petals - anything but petals) in his throat. He schedules lunches and dinners and outings and coffee dates with both Jonghyun and Taemin, coughs into napkins (shoves petals into his bag) and smiles and laughs and pretends because there is no fucking way they can know that he’s dying dying dead already.





	

Kibum first throws up flower petals the night he almost whispers a drunken confession to Jonghyun - they’ve drank so much that Kibum knows he’ll regret it in the morning, but even the copious amounts of alcohol and adrenaline running through his veins had not been enough to give him the courage to say those three words to his best friend, his brother, his everything. He doesn’t ever end up saying it, but they  _ do  _ kiss, and the first stroke of Jonghyun’s tongue against his makes his stomach begin to heave and Kibum just barely manages to run to the bathroom before he pukes. Jonghyun doesn’t follow him, and Kibum doesn’t...know how he feels about that. He throws up again though, rests his head against the toilet seat and somehow manages to fall asleep there, waiting for Jonghyun to find him.

And in the morning, Kibum blearily looks in the toilet bowl to flush - and sees bright yellow, delicate petals floating in the toilet water.

Kibum flushes the toilet and decides to pretend it’d never happened. He already knows how this will end.

Jonghyun doesn’t remember the brush of their lips - he grumbles and pouts and clings to Kibum until he gets pills, a cup of water and peach yogurt (his favorite). And they sit on the living room floor together, too tired to really eat - Jonghyun nearly faceplants into his yogurt, so Kibum clears their breakfast away and lays down, stretching his arm out automatically - they’ve been friends long enough for Kibum to know that if Jonghyun is tired while they’re together, it means nap time, and  _ that  _ means Kibum’s only job is to pillow Jonghyun’s head with his arm. (He doesn’t really mind.)

Kibum doesn’t throw up again until Jonghyun introduces him to Taemin - Taemin is two years younger than Kibum and three years younger than Jonghyun, and they all laugh when Kibum elbows Jonghyun and says  _ you’re such a cradle robber, and Taeminnie? You can still escape if you want, I’ll distract him! _

And he likes Taemin, he really does. Taemin is cute and funny and  _ pretty,  _ the delicate sort of pretty that Jonghyun has himself. Jonghyun is especially excited for them to meet because  _ you both dance, so you should be friends! Dance together, for me?  _ And Kibum just snorts, because there isn’t anyone that can keep up with him-

But Taemin  _ does. _

And when they finally stop dancing, Jonghyun applauds and throws his arms around Taemin’s sweaty neck (Jonghyun  _ hates  _ sweat) and kisses both of their cheeks, and Kibum coughs up flower petals again. He shoves them in his pocket and glances away from Taemin - the youngest has a strange expression on their face, and Kibum turns away under the guise of a phone call that he’s just received.

Kibum tries to ignore both Jonghyun and Taemin after that, but he’s eventually cornered when Taemin slams their textbooks down on the library table Kibum is using. Taemin smiles, but it doesn’t reach their eyes, and they murmur a, “Hi hyung,” before sitting across from Kibum and opening their textbook. Calculus.

“What?”

“I’m studying,” is all Taemin replies with, not even looking up at Kibum. It angers him, but he returns to his biology and tries to ignore Taemin’s presence.

Taemin only looks up after about an hour of studying; their gaze is serious and Kibum can’t help flinching back at the intensity of it all. “You like Jonghyun.” Blunt too, and Kibum flinches again.

“I do - I don’t... _ want  _ to. He doesn’t love me back.”

“He doesn’t,” Taemin agrees easily, and for that second, Kibum wants to hate them, “but are you going to get the operation? He cares a lot about you, and he’d...he’d be inconsolable if you died. Me too, even if I don’t know you that well. You’re...you’re my hyung.”

(Kibum remembers Jonghyun telling him that Taemin...doesn’t have many hyungs. Jonghyun had smiled up at Kibum, sadness clear in his eyes and on his face and in his voice before saying: _they only have two hyungs in fact, me and you._ )

Before Kibum can even excuse himself to go to the bathroom, he coughs up a handful of white petals.

He and Taemin stare down at the petals in silence before Taemin pokes one with the end of his pencil. “Daisies, huh? Innocence...it’s ironic. He really is…and it’s even  _ more  _ ironic that daisies are used for heartbroken lovers.” Taemin has a soft smile on their lips, and Kibum’s heart drops.

Because those petals aren’t for Jonghyun.

And that is how Kibum realizes that he is in love with Taemin.

It makes sense, Kibum muses after throwing the petals in the trash, that he’s in love with Taemin. If Taemin weren’t dating Jonghyun, if he didn’t love Jonghyun as well, if he’d met Taemin  _ first,  _ if, if, if. 

What startles him though, is that he isn’t upset at the irony of all. Or at least - Kibum  _ supposes  _ he’s happy that at least Taemin and Jonghyun have each other, because nothing will convince him to get the surgery...and if he’s going to leave this world, he’ll want to leave them with the memory of him as he is now - smiling, beautiful,  _ alive.  _ Not like how he’ll be soon, half faded, choking on petals and blood, dying. Or - he’s dying now, Kibum supposes, so that part doesn’t really matter.

Kibum does some research, finds out that the yellow petals are celandines, and arranges for a bouquet of daisies and celandines to be delivered to Jonghyun and Taemin’s doorsteps after he dies.

And he tries (fails) not to cry when he finds out that celandines mean joys to come.

  
  
  
  


There are no pills to slow the growth of the flowers inside of him, but Kibum downs pill after pill in the hopes that  _ maybe -  _ just fucking maybe - but it won’t. So Kibum forces a smile to stay on his lips and keeps laughter locked tight, ready to bubble up (laughter, not petals - anything but petals) in his throat. He schedules lunches and dinners and outings and coffee dates with both Jonghyun and Taemin, coughs into napkins (shoves petals into his bag) and smiles and laughs and  _ pretends because there is no fucking way they can know that he’s dying dying dead already. _

The three of them get drunk on one weekend in Kibum’s room; his parents are out of town and Kibum uses that as an excuse to bust out the soju and beer, to get them all together for one last time.

They end up playing truth or dare somehow (Kibum doesn’t care: he has nothing to hide anymore, no regrets) and after taking another swig of soju, Kibum asks, “Tae - truth or dare?”

He doesn’t know why he’s bothered to ask, because Taemin had picked only truth so far, and this is no different. “Truth.”

“What’s your favorite flower?”

Taemin’s mouth twists into a smirk and they hum, as if pretending to think. “Daisies.”

It’s like a knife to the heart and Kibum takes another long swallow to push the petals back down. Silence before Jonghyun speaks again - he hasn’t been drinking as much, so he  _ must  _ be able to at least...pick up on the tension in the room. “Kibum, truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

“Are you in love?”

“Yes.”

“And-”

“It’s just one question, hyung.” Taemin cuts in. They reach over and take a sip from Jonghyun’s bottle, and Kibum’s eyes can’t help following the motion of their Adam’s apple bobbing.

He wishes he could hate Taemin for making Jonghyun smile so damn  _ easily.  _ But before he can say anything more, Taemin’s eyes bore into his and with a bitter little smile, they ask, “Truth or dare?”

And  _ fuck  _ them, Kibum thinks, fuck them and fuck the irony that he’s the only one that’s going to  _ die.  _ “Dare.”

“Kiss Jonghyun.” Taemin hasn’t missed a beat, and there’s a challenge in their eyes, one that Kibum easily, easily accepts. It’s a nice kiss - it tastes of soju and beer and desperation, and Jonghyun’s lips are soft and Kibum can feel the indent of where his teeth had bitten into his lower lip. But it’s... _ empty. _

Jonghyun is the one that pulls away and his eyes are shining with tears, tears that only fall when he turns to Taemin. “You shouldn’t be so cruel.”

“I’m not being  _ cruel,  _ I’m giving him what he wants.” Taemin’s voice is low and a bitter laugh bubbles up as they point an accusing finger at the both of them, “you’re  _ killing  _ him, doing this. He’s in love with you and-”

“And you  _ knew? _ ” At Kibum’s whispered words, Jonghyun flinches back, but he doesn’t answer.

So Taemin does. “Of  _ course  _ he knew! You’d have to be blind to have not noticed the way you loved him!”

“Please get the surgery,” Jonghyun whispers. His hand trembles when he brings it up to touch Kibum’s cheek, “ _ please.  _ I don’t want you to die-”

This time when Kibum feels the petals bubble up in his throat, he lets them come - spits them out at Taemin. Yellow and white are stained red, but that’s not what makes Taemin flinch back. “You had two. Him and...and  _ who? _ ”

“You’d have to be blind to have not noticed,” Kibum mocks, “it’s  _ you. _ You’re both killing me.”

Silence, and then - “Even better,” Taemin sounds a heartbeat away from laughing, “kiss me then. Dare me to, Jonghyun. Dare me to kiss him-”

“Why are you being so  _ cruel? _ ”

“It’s...amusing.”

“You’re lying,” Jonghyun’s voice breaks halfway through, but Taemin just laughs. Kibum doesn’t (or can’t - or won’t?) care. Whatever it is in him breaks when he sees Jonghyun crying, really  _ crying.  _ And for him.

“I wish it were you, dying here.” Kibum longs to pull Jonghyun close, to kiss his forehead and wipe his tears away (swallow the petals down) - but he doesn’t. He just...sits there, waits and watches.

And Taemin just...shrugs. “I’d have gotten the surgery as soon as I felt it.”

For a moment, Kibum thinks that Jonghyun will reach out and slap Taemin, but all he does is scrub away his tears and say with a cold voice, “You would have done it for me?”

Here, the briefest moment of hesitation. “I would.”

“Don’t you  _ love  _ me? No - don’t...don’t answer that. Just-” Jonghyun touches Kibum’s hand with his own, thoughtful, “when did it...start?”

“Two months. When we got drunk and - we kissed, that night. I threw up calendula petals. And Tae...I think the daisies were that day in the library.”

Taemin just scoffs, but when Kibum looks closer, he can almost,  _ almost  _ see a glint of sympathy (or maybe pity?) in their eyes. But what’s more important is the way Jonghyun clutches at him, almost desperate now. “ _ Please  _ get the surgery - I couldn’t live without you, Kibum. You’re my best friend, Kibum!”

Those five words,  _ I couldn’t live without you  _ (or was it  _ you’re my best friend, Kibum _ ) make Kibum lean over to cough up flower petals again. They’re not yellow, or white, they’re red red red and Kibum is dead already, practically.

He doesn’t care anymore.

“Take care of him when I’m gone, Taemin. He always forgets to eat when he’s stuck in that hole of a bedroom writing lyrics - force him out and make him something nice, okay? He’ll grumble for a while, but he’ll appreciate it. And Jonghyun-” Kibum’s voice breaks when he faces Jonghyun, his best friend, his almost-everything, his nothing, “if they’re not happy, I’ll come back and kick your ass. And you’d best believe I’ll stick around for a while and watch over you, so you’d better remember to play me some songs. Nothing sad, and  _ no  _ tears.”

He’s expected at least a snarky reply or a huff from Taemin, and protests from Jonghyun, but all he gets is a  _ yes, hyung  _ from the former and a weakly muffled sob from the latter.

It’s much too late for the surgery anyway.

“Now come on, help me clean up all these bottles. And then we’re all going to sleep, and I want middle.”

“That’s the dumbest last request, hyung. I’d make Jonghyun run down the streets naked and sing the alphabet backwards, and you’d have to wear a skirt and dance one of those ridiculous girl group songs for the whole school.”

“Hey, don’t make me change my mind - you’d look almost as good in a skirt as I would, Taeminnie.”

“Almost?” there’s a challenging (or maybe...almost apologetic) glint in Taemin’s eyes, and they scoff, “I’m  _ much  _ prettier than you’d ever be.”

A morbid part of Kibum thinks that yeah, that’ll be true. Taemin will be batting their eyes and flipping their hair and biting their lip and swaying their hips in clubs (like Kibum’s taught them), getting high in bed with Jonghyun next to them, graduating somewhere near the top of their class, and Kibum will be rotting in the dirt.

“Yeah, yeah. Go clean up, Taemin.”

Kibum thinks it would be a bit too much if he died during the night (making Jonghyun have to go through the realization that he’d been sleeping next to a corpse) so in the middle of the night, when he’s sure they’re both asleep, Kibum slips out of bed, pads downstairs and makes his way outside, sitting on the cold front steps so he can stare up at the stars.

There are quiet footsteps that stop just behind him just a few minutes later - Taemin. “You know, hyung, you’re not very good at sneaking out.”

“Shut up, brat.”

“I’m sorry about before. I’ll - do what you said.” Taemin says it haltingly, and Kibum understands then.

“It’s fine. I think I would’ve done the same.”

“You’re stupid, you know...you should’ve gotten the surgery. We wouldn’t have judged you.”

Kibum just shrugs, watches his breath cloud up and disappear into the dark sky and turns to Taemin. “Some things aren’t so simple.”

“I wish we could’ve-”

“Don’t regret, Taemin. Just...live.”

“I think that’ll be my senior year quote.”

“Jonghyun will cry a lot, you know.”

“I do. He’s such a baby.”

“Comfort him. And peach yogurt for his hangovers.”

“I-” a heavy sigh, “thank you, hyung.”

Quiet for a long while, and then Taemin yawns, speaks again with a sleepy tone, “I wish we could’ve known each other longer. You’re not that bad, hyung. I’ll...miss you, I really will.”

“Yes, you can have my speaker.” Kibum nudges Taemin to show he’s just kidding, “I’ll miss you too, Taeminnie. You and Jjong, though...take whatever of mine you want.”

“I-” and Taemin - cute, funny, delicately pretty Taemin - sounds like they’re about to cry, “okay.”

Taemin leaves soon after that, Kibum thinks. It’s cold out, but he doesn’t really mind - anything to  _ feel  _ before he dies.

Jonghyun and Taemin find him that morning, laying inside on the couch. He’s smiling.


End file.
